The Five Biggest Myths of Motherhood in Academia (and how to break free)

Being both a mother and an academic can feel like living in two worlds that constantly demand all of you. One moment you’re immersed in research, but in the back of your mind you’re worried about missing bedtime stories. The next, you’re at the playground, but thinking about class prep and papers still to be graded. This tug-of-war between ambition and presence, achievement and guilt, focused concentration on projects and the demands of caregiving, is exhausting in itself. Unfortunately these inner conflicts are further fueled by preconceived ideas/ideals about what motherhood should look like--and they keep so many of us stuck in self-doubt and burnout. 

It’s time to break free of the rules you didn’t write, and find a rhythm that supports both your life and your work.

Myth #1:You have to choose between being a good mother or a successful academic

The Conflict: You feel torn—when you focus on your kids, you worry your research is falling behind. When you’re working, you feel guilty for missing precious moments at home. Maybe you’re even facing outright pressure in your department from colleagues or administrators who don’t have this dual role--or who choose to prioritize differently than you.

The Breakthrough: Success isn’t about splitting yourself in half, or attempting the long-term impossibility of giving 100% to both.  It’s about defining success on your own terms, aligning your time with your values, and trusting that both your scholarship and your parenting can flourish without canceling each other out.

Myth #2: You can’t say no without falling behind

The Conflict: Academic FOMO (fear of missing opportunities) such as research collaborations, conferences, performances, or leadership roles, causes you to take on too much. Maybe at the beginning of the semester you can manage it, but by the middle and end of the semester you realize you are definitely overcommitted again. You feel guilty taking breaks or turning down opportunities, even though your family and your mental health need time away from work.

The Breakthrough: Learning when to say no--respectfully, confidently, and professionally--will protect your priorities. By choosing what truly matters in your professional and personal life you will gain focus, energy, and confidence. Remember that saying no to some things is actually saying yes to what really matters to you. It’s not always easy knowing what to decline and what to embrace, but some work on defining your values can be very helpful in making such decisions. Values work can act as a guiding light for decision-making and boundary-setting.You can’t say no without falling behind.

Myth #3: Asking for help makes you seem less capable

The Conflict: You see other academics juggling work and family and feel like you should have it all under control. Every request for help or moment of overwhelm feeds a sense that you’re not good enough—or that you will be judged as less capable by others.

The Breakthrough: Feeling uncertain or needing support doesn’t make you less competent. Acknowledging limits and leaning on others is part of being human—and part of being an effective scholar and parent. Confidence grows not from doing everything alone, but from recognizing the limits of what you can do, and letting go of unrealistic expectations. You’re not the only one struggling, even if it that’s how it feels sometimes.

Myth #4: There’s little difference between mothering and fathering as an academic

The Conflict: Academic mothers often experience intense scrutiny—both internal and external—over how they balance work and parenting. They are expected to “do it all” flawlessly: publish, teach, mentor, perform, and be constantly present for both their children and students. Every choice can trigger guilt or self-doubt and add to frustrations.

Academic fathers, by contrast, often face far less judgment for dividing their time between work and family and may even be praised for “helping out” at home, while their professional achievements remain the primary measure of success. There’s generally less expectation for fathers to sacrifice career advancement or perfection in scholarship for parenting.

The Breakthrough: Parenting in academia is gendered, but self-doubt and burnout don’t have to be. By acknowledging systemic disparities and setting personal boundaries, both mothers and fathers can thrive professionally while deeply engaging with their families. Recognizing these differences is the first step toward equity and self-compassion. Seek supportive networks, and embrace the unique strengths you bring to both family and career. Remember: you are blazing trails, which isn’t easy.

Myth #5: Women professors should "mother" their students

The Conflict: Women in academia are often expected to take on extra emotional labor—listening to personal problems, smoothing conflicts, and providing care well beyond their

male colleagues. While this can come from a place of goodwill, it could lead to exhaustion, blurred boundaries, and feelings that your intellectual contributions are undervalued.

The Breakthrough: Mentorship is important, but it doesn’t require overextending yourself. Setting boundaries—clarifying office hours, prioritizing professional guidance, and sharing responsibilities—lets you support students effectively without burning out. Recognizing and resisting this gendered expectation empowers you to care intentionally, rather than by default.

Final thoughts

If any of these conflicts and pressures feel familiar, you don’t have to navigate them alone. In private coaching, or my program “Rewriting the Rubric”, I work with women academics to untangle self-doubt, set boundaries, and redefine success based on their own values. Together, we develop strategies to manage the competing demands of scholarship and caregiving, reclaiming your time and energy, and creating a career and life that feel sustainable, empowering, and fully your own.

If you want to start exploring values work on your own, subscribe to my mailing list receive "Mapping What Matters, a 12-page guide that will help you clarify your values, gauge how they are showing up (or lacking) in your current life, and create actionable steps for improvement.